by Mary E. Lowd
Originally published in Kaleidotrope, October 2022
@UnicornGirl231: O MUH GOD i jus saw a zombie eating sumone’s arm and the ARM FELL OFF #zombiesarereal #zombiesarehere #evenincrestcity
@KarenCane: You’re in Crest City? How do you know it was a zombie?
@LiteralGhost1: Is the zombie virus airborn? Will a mask protect me? Do I need to hold my breath around zombies? Maybe I’ll just stay inside…
@UnicornGirl231: If you smell them it’s too late for you. Ruuuuuuuun.
@LiteralGhost1: If it’s already too late, shouldn’t you just kill yourself instead of risking infecting more people by running around like a chicken with its head cut off?
@UnicornGirl231: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuun
@DudgerDailyGazette: 13 STUDENTS IN DUDGER CITY COLLEGE DORMS HOLD A ZOMB-KISS PARTY, 3 EATEN, 2 TURNED… SO FAR
@KarenCane: Who the hell even wants to kiss a zombie?????
@GiveMeFr33dom: You will not stop me from kissing who I want! Goddamn libs wanted it this way, and now they gotta live with it! Im kissin first zomb I see that’s halfway attractive
@AltRightIsAlright: Rather kiss a zombie than a libtard snoflake!
@LiteralGhost1: Yeah, well, I don’t think a lot of liberals want to kiss you either, AltRight. Besides shouldn’t you be out there shooting zombies with your precious guns? Not kissing them?
@AltRightIsAlright: I can shoot an kiss zombies both ifn I want! You cant stop me!
@MickTheRick: They don’t tell you that you can smell the zombies. Ugh. Why don’t they ever tell you that? Crest City reeks, and that’s just from the wind blowing their scent in from Dudger, 20 miles away.
@MickTheRick: How fast can zombies travel?
@MickTheRick: Is it safe to go to sleep tonight?
@MickTheRick: Where do we get evac info for the Crest City/Dudger area?
@KarenCane: Just lock your doors and windows. Leave your lights off. Zombies aren’t smart enough to break in.
@MickTheRick: Excuse you, but I watched my mom die, slowly, rotting to pieces, behind a glass window in the local hospital. I couldn’t give her a last hug. She didn’t even understand me as I said goodbye. So don’t spread dangerous misinformation like that zombies won’t break into your house if you keep the lights off. They broke into my mom’s house, and she was as quiet and careful as can be. Now I don’t have a mom. Just horrible memories.
@LiteralGhost1: Yeah… you’re mom did SOMETHING to attract the zombies. They don’t bother breaking into empty looking houses for no reason. They’re not smart enough to imagine someone might be hiding. They’re like trexes in Jurassic Park — drawn to noise and light.
@MickTheRick: You calling my mom stupid or me a liar? Cause I’m telling you THEY BROKE IN. SHE WAS QUIET AS A MOUSE. NO LIGHTS. NOTHIN.
@LiteralGhost1: Like she didn’t turn on her phone and check Tweeter? Riiiiiiight. They prob saw her phone screen glowing. Sorry. Your mom was probably nice and didn’t deserve it. But she was not smart and not careful. Zombies eat sloppy people. That’s that.
@KarenCane: Oh god I can’t sleep. Just keep checking Tweeter to see how close the horde of zombies are…
@DudgerDailyGazette: PACK A ZOMBIE ESCAPE PLAN BACKPACK! BE READY!
@DudgerDailyGazette: WHICH FRIENDS WOULD YOU LET SHELTER INSIDE WITH YOU? AND WHICH WOULD YOU LOCK OUTSIDE WITH THE ZOMBIES???
@DudgerDailyGazette: THE TOP TEN ITEMS TO KEEP AT HAND WHEN THE ZOMBIES GET TO YOUR TOWN — AND NO, THEY’RE NOT ALL AXES AND FLAMETHROWERS!
@JoannaFreeFall: Feelin real lucky to live in Crest city today — most bigger towns got wiped out by the alien saucers back at Christmas and any town smaller doesn’t have the resources to keep the zombies at bay. #Blessed #CrestCityBestCity #CrestCity4Evah
@GiveMeFr33dom: CREST CITY IS GON!!! ALL RESIDENTS ARE ZOMBIESSSS!!!! DO NOT GO THERE!!!!!
@JoannaFreeFall: Um… I don’t know where you get your news, but I live in Crest City, and in case you haven’t noticed, I have better grammar and punctuation that you do. So, uh, yeah. Not a zombie. I call fake news.
@AltRightIsAlright: OH NO ZOMBIES CAN USE TWEETER NOW
@JoannaFreeFall: *Hangs head and le sigh* Some people. (Would almost be better off as zombies…)
@KarenCane: I think he’s a bot. Don’t feed the bots.
@MickTheRick: Great. Zombies in the physical world and bots in the digital one. Those alien saucer ships should have wiped us all out.
@AltRightIsAlright: Not a bot. And not gonna let the zombies get me like they got YOUR MOM, MICK. Gotz my AR15 in one hand and a flamethrower in the other. Zombies can kiss my ass. And so can you.
@UnicornGirl231: DO NOT USE FLAME THROWERS ON ZOMBIES. GOD the whole west coast is in high fire alert, do you want forest fires AND zombies??!! Just use guns like god intended.
@UnicornGirl231: Goddamnit I’m serious. If you kill one zombie with a flamethrower and it burns your house down, WHERE RE UOU GONNA HID FROM THE OTHER ZOMBIES!!!!???
@DudgerDailyGazette: 5 SIMPLE STEPS TO BUILD YOUR OWN ANTI-ZOMBIE FLAMETHROWER FROM SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS
@DudgerDailyGazette: Breaking news: Crest City burned down by wave of flaming zombies
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