by Mary E. Lowd
I’ve been managing other people’s feelings
Since before I could speak
I calmed my mother
Enraged my father
And never knew how to be just me
Until you were born, and I wasn’t alone
Anymore
You were my daughter
Before I was old enough to have a daughter
But you never should have been
I took care of you when I knew how
And you took care of me
Just by being there
You made me strong
And so when it came time to have children of my own
(Should it ever have been time?)
(Is it okay to even wonder
Whether I might have been better
If I’d learned how to be me
Without having them?)
I never wondered
Will I know how to care for them?
Will I know how to raise them?
I’d raised me
And I’d watched our mom raise you
And I wish I’d known
You were never my own
But maybe now
We can be sisters?
Like we were always meant to be?
What if I don’t know how to be me
But I’m amazed
At how you’ve figured out
How to be you
You’ve thrived without me
And I can hardly believe
You still want me at all
Because I’m not sure anyone else
Ever has
Wanted me
When I wasn’t being something for them
That I’m not sure
Left space
For me