So much of the world fills me with anger. It’s not something I enjoy, but it’s something that’s true.
I’ve also accomplished a great deal, and those things can’t be separated. Much of my drive and success is powered by anger about ways the world is wrong and must be fixed.
As an autistic woman, my natural expression of feelings tends to be off-putting for many people — especially my anger — and I’ve consequently spent much of my life either deeply or subtly masked.
It’s exhausting.
And it’s heartbreaking knowing most friendships I could have are contingent on my carefully avoiding any natural expression of emotion — only carefully processed emotions are acceptable.
As such… although, I’ve spent years actively working at making friends, I have very few.
What I do have is a lot of accomplishments, because my writing will never turn on me. And also, the clearly defined rules and structure of something like running a magazine allow for mild social contact with others that’s strictly and safely regimented.
I never wanted to be any sort of leader, but I’ve found people who I find distressingly chaotic in social situations & who find me too emotionally forceful are easy to interact with & uplift as writers through performing service like running a magazine, award, writing group, etc.
I guess… it’s the old Sondheim song, “Anyone Can Whistle.”
If you haven’t heard it, here’s Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who singing it — the first version I heard, and it immediately spoke straight to my heart.
I’m proud of the good I’ve done running an award, writing group, & magazine, editing deserving works of fiction, but…
I’m also angry that a lot of people, including people who’ve called me friend, seem to only like me when I’m being useful to them, performing works of service.